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A few months ago, while I was doing a writingresidency at a Miami hotel in South Beach, I had the DO NOT DISTURB sign up the entire time. After a grueling period dealing with my novel’s release and a massive expansion of my business, I felt gutted. My depression—because I hadn’t given myself a single minute to myself—was palpable. I did the only thing one does while resting in Miami: I lay on the beach. – Continue Reading BelowI sank into the sand, wanting to disappear. I tried a number of things to make myself feel better. Drank water. Took selfies. Focused on the aquamarine horizon and took deep breaths. Overwhelmed by the intense melancholy, I closed my eyes, trying to draw peace inward. A minute later, I felt a man sit down next to me.”Hey, I noticed you sitting here alone, can I join you?” I opened my eyes to see a young Indian man smilinga beautiful, bright smile. In most cases, I will definitely say that my response would’ve been yes.This wasn’t one of those days. It felt wrong to shoo him away. He was another South Asian person on South Beach, just trying to be friendlyand maybe get in a flirt. Nothing terrible. Would it hurt to give the guy a break?”No. I need some space to myself right now,” I told him.He looked genuinely shocked. “Uh…okay, I guess. Take care!” He awkwardly left me hugging my knees to my chest, face burning with how fucking hard it was to tell him no. I counted to 30before looking up and around. He was gone. I spent the rest of the day by myself, alternating between crying (a good part of it was for feeling mean to a fellow desi) or numbing my brain with old episodes of Law &Order: SVU. I didn’t outline or write a thing. But by the next day asandria , the time alone had worked its wonder. I spent the next two days outlining what I hope will become my next novel.Being scarce means people wonder about you. – Continue Reading BelowAs young girls, we’re taught early on that being conciliatory and pleasant is correct behavior. Any pushback—you’re on your way to becoming The Bitch. As a teenager, I had a hard time saying no to slackers who wanted to cheat off my tests, or boys who wanted to get into my pants. I felt like saying no would not only make me unlikable, butthat I’d alsomiss out on golden social opportunities. Nothing seemed worse than being alone. I was wrong, though. Being scarce means people wonder about you. And playing hard to get would’ve saved me heartache I’d have to unravel for years in therapy. Saying no is new to me as I settle comfortably into my thirties. I’ve always been drawn to that liminal space between whatis adventurous and outright stupid. I like taking risks. I welcome change. My twenties were filled with travel adventures enough to make me sweat just thinking about them. Years ago, in Oaxaca, I met a painter while wandering through an art gallery. He invited me on a road trip to pick up paintings in random dusty towns. Of course, I went with him. We ended up spending two days sipping mezcal and hiking and making out and fighting like lovers who’d known each other for too long. To me, risks have always been worth the story. – Continue Reading Below – Continue Reading BelowIn my thirties, that wild energy is now channeled into endeavors that bear some semblance of purpose. That’s why owning a business and novelwriting appeals to me. Yet being pulled in every direction means risking being pulled apart. As multiple creative endeavors came to life this past year, learning how to say no has been critical to my self-care. The hardest part was to accept that saying no did not have the power to upend my life. Saying no didnot automatically mean I would be hated, judged, or viewed as someone who doesn’t care. It didn’t mean that missing the Erykah Badu DJ set would make me an irrelevant loser.Saying no does not mean I am going to die alone.It’s hard to utter a monosyllabic word with instant connotations as a “negative response” or “an expression of disbelief.” I remember acting exercises with a scene partner, going back and forth and repeating the word no in a litany of ways. No. Nope. Nooooo. No?NO!!!!!!! Try not to flinch when someone is screaming “No!” two inches from your face.I’ve learned to find ways of saying no that are honest. And I am also prepared to be met with disappointment and guilt-tripping, but that’s much better for me than being hungover, depressed, or anxious. “I need some personal time” and “I need space for myself right now” are honest reasons I might decline an invite. If I’m in the middle of writing or designing a new product or working long daysin the studio, those hours to decompress alone are critical for my well-being. When I get asked to write a piece ora recommendation, or do an event,I gauge whether it makes me feel more connected and happy. If it doesn’t, then I say it’s not a good fit for me.Being told no triggers a jarring response: I’m not good enough for you. – Continue Reading BelowHearing no is as hard as saying it. I despise rejection. But ifyou’re saying no, it’s important to be able to accept it asandria , too. I’m always in the state of pitching—something I truly hate—whether it’s for an essay I’m working on or trying to get into a fancy new boutique. That’s the reality of taking risks—you navigate success and failure with each new stroke. Being told no triggers a jarring response: I’m not good enough for you. I’m brown; they’re racist. I’m broke and being treated like I’m nobody. Sometimes these responses are correct. Other timesthey indicate that I’m having trouble accepting a simple little word. Once I hear it and accept it, I can move on.This is new territory for me, this world of no. Each time I say it, it makes the times I say yes more revelatory, exciting,and profound. Not only does taking time for myself give me what I need from this world, it alsoallows me to fathom what the world needs from me.Tanwi Nandini Islam is the author of Bright Lines (Penguin 2015), a finalist for the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize. She is the founder of Hi Wildflower Botanica, a niche perfume and candle line. Follow her @hiwildflower.

The Painful, Revelatory, and Necessary Process of Learning to Say No

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